The Sky is Falling!

Sometimes one simple phrase just sums it all up. After typing the header I find myself almost at a loss for words.

See, I have this metaphorical Plexiglas box I find myself in from time to time. The box, I am finding, was built with all that I was raised with, now have learned, have encountered and have yet to figure out. Within this soundproof confinement, I usually am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. Sometimes, to keep my sanity, I put myself in there because I choose not to let others hear me.

In any event, I have been visiting this box more an more often then I would like. The question that I have is, when is enough enough??! At what point do I just put a lock on that box and ship the key off to be thrown in the depths of the ocean or in crevasse of a glacier?? Or for God sakes...can I at least have a two way speaker installed in it? I will settle for an air hole at this point. Give me something to get what I want to say, truly heard and understood, out.

Why am I put in that box?! Why cant the other party be in it instead?! Why can they scream at the top of their lungs and say the most hurtful, unsubstantiated and most times ridiculous things and yet they remain free? While I sit in my clear prison slowly losing my mind and myself. Why do they say and do these things?! What does their opinion matter?! Who do they think they are?!

Einstein once said"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself". It seams to me that people don't want to "live"", and not only that..they don't want you to "live" either! I am tired of this absurdity! I want to live...I DID live. That was one thing I learned from my mother and I miss being that person.


I feel like to keep the peace I had to mold into a unsatisfying way of living. A way that I was raised to know is not a recipe for happiness. Then one day you wake up and you say to yourself "this is not my life....whose life is this and how did I get here"

I was told once that I needed to learn how to say "no" or people would walk all over me. Funny thing is...even when I do...they walk all over me anyway. Now "no" comes way to easy and I don't want to obstruct the balance with a "yes". "No" can be a very selfish, life altering and lonely word for just being two little letters. So there I sit.....in my box for all to see. Exposed to the elements, where people who are supposed to love me to walk by and bang on it and laugh as I sit helpless.

One day...I tell my self...one day I will be sprung free of this prison and be able to redefine myself as who I want to be, not how they say I should be or who they think I am. Hopefully on that day I wont be alone but with an Angle who will go with me, stand by my side holding my hand when I need it and do everything to keep me out of that fucking box!